Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
