I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
