I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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