new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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