You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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