My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
cat food counts as protein by the way
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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