I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
