I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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