did you get engaged???
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
