I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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