hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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