the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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