We're facebook friends in real life
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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