dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
