the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Bring me that man meat
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
