You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
