Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
