Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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