all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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