i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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