Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
