You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
