I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
