i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
