Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
