I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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