Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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