no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
