If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you had me at cake vodka
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
