i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
