so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
