I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize