If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
