I can text with my tongue
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
