I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
