We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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