your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
