I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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