Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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