You just made me feel so damn special
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
