when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
