mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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