I think I won the penis lottery.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
