on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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