We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
my liver is dry heaving
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
