i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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