He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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