Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
