hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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