Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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