my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
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