I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Randomize
