Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
