there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
