I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
