i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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